As children grow and reach new milestones, mothers often experience a wide range of emotions that can be overwhelming. This phenomenon, often referred to as “mom grief,” encompasses the feelings of loss, nostalgia, and bittersweet joy as children transition through different stages of life. From the moment a child is born until they reach adulthood, mothers navigate through a complex emotional journey that is both rewarding and challenging.
“Mom grief” is the cyclical nature of grief as children grow and it involves the array of emotions that we feel as our kids mature. Grief isn’t necessarily about death or loss, but also applies to changes and transitions during a child’s life. Some consider “mom grief” to be a slow “break-up” between mother and child. Major milestones can trigger these types of emotions, and I will touch on each stage. Here are the phases of a child’s life and the challenges that come along with them:
Baby stage:
Moms often grieve as babies move from dependency to increased independence. Something as simple as a baby sitting up on their own and entertaining themselves can bring the realization that time is moving quickly. Crawling, feeding themselves, or sleeping through the night are all examples of infant/toddler milestones.
School age:
As children shift from home to school environment, many changes occur. Social bonds outside the family can cause the feeling of losing influence and control. When my oldest finished kindergarten I couldn’t believe how fast the year went by. I always envisioned volunteering in the classroom on a weekly basis, but earlier that year I decided to go back to work. At that moment I understood what people meant by “don’t blink.”
Middle school:
Middle-school kids crave autonomy and an increase in distance from their parents that is usually provoked by sports, friendships, and after-school activities. At this age they start to practice emotional separation and desire privacy. Their appearance gradually changes, and they can experience growth spurts.
Adolescence:
There are many physical and emotional changes with puberty and moms often wonder what happened to their kids’ babyface. Parents take on a less nurturing and more guidance-oriented role. Struggles with authority and the realization of a growing emotional gap have an impact on a mother’s identity. Difficulty maintaining closeness causes moms to reassess their own life. Parents begin empty nester preparation and plan for the upcoming changes initiated by college visits and discussions about the future.
Young adult:
Many focus on the empty nest and how it affects day-to-day life. Parents shift from daily involvement to an advisory role and offer advice and guidance. Moms often grieve the end of active parenting.
Each of these milestones shouldn’t make you feel like your parenting phase is over but look at it as starting a new chapter. Change is good and should be considered a positive. Celebrate accomplishments at each stage of your child’s growth. Remember that you’re not missing out but rather building upon your existing relationship one year at a time.
Besides grief, moms also experience guilt with the various parenting decisions they have to make. This adds another layer of stress and challenges. Here are a few common triggers that lead to our guilt trips:
Not spending enough time with the kids
Saying things out of anger
Not allowing them to go places
Allowing them to go places that you later find out weren’t safe or healthy
Taking time for self-care or hobbies
Working vs. staying at home
Staying at home vs. working
Allowing too much screen time
Meals lacking nutrition
Missing an important milestone
Balancing multiple children
Disciplining
Our culture creates unrealistic expectations of moms and pressures us into feeling inadequate. Photos on social media paint an unrealistic picture of the perfect life that makes moms envious. Some “real life” moms pretend they have it all together and we often question everything we’re doing. For the most part, moms are taking on way too much and feel like they’re not doing a good job in any area of their life because of being spread thin. The combination of societal expectations, personal standards, and the natural desire to do the best for their families are driving this overload of commitments.
The good news is that there are many ways of coping with the changes in your child’s life. Here are some effective strategies that will help you with your transitions:
*Get in the best shape of your life and make your health a priority.
*Rebuild mother-child relationship by doing new activities together.
*Take pride in a child’s achievements.
*Maintain open communication by fostering trust.
*Manage your emotions by connecting with a friend, other moms, or support group. Validate your feelings of grief.
*Stay positive and get excited about the future instead of focusing on what’s being left behind.
*Focus on self-improvement and learning new skills. Create personal goals or pursue hobbies or passions that have been put on hold.
In conclusion, mom grief is a natural and multifaceted emotional experience that mothers encounter as their children grow and mature. By acknowledging and embracing these emotions, mothers can navigate through mom grief while finding solace in the shared experiences of other parents. Ultimately, the journey of motherhood is a profound and transformative experience, marked by the enduring love and connection between mothers and their children.
By embracing change, celebrating new milestones, and finding joy in their child’s growing independence, mothers can navigate this transition with grace. Whether it’s the end of a school year, sports season, or moving on to college, these life-changing events should be celebrated. Although it’s hard to let go, the bond remains, just transformed into a new, more mature relationship that continues to enrich both mother and child.
Stay tuned for my article “The Path to Independence: Helping Your Kids Thrive on Their Own.” Sign up for my free monthly newsletter at the bottom of my blog or reach out anytime to Kim @ [email protected]
